The fiercest calm I've been in.

update

2009-04-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in quite awhile.
I guess I haven't been focused on recovery a whole lot, or really struggling too much. I have slip-ups once or twice a month, but I'm moving along.
I've been eating mostly very healthy, that always helps.

Just still working on self-image and being content with my body. Maybe if I talked more about it, I'd feel proactive.

2008-09-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

Trying right now. It's a daily struggle. The gym helps for sure.

Anticipation, anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, cause these are the good old days.

slip and fall

2008-08-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

While I may not be purging as of late, I'm feeling a sinking feeling.. hating myself, my body. I seem to want to drink as an escape. I can't drink as much as my self-hatred would like me to. Not doing so hot, feeling pretty self-destructive. I hate that I feel so easily rejected, too needy, and just plain tired.

There's work ahead of me.

psych, date nights oh my

2008-08-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

So I saw my psychiatrist today.. after a longish hiatus. He says I seem to be "doing well.. better." I always sort of laugh to myself about these things, because my therapist knows a hell of a lot more about how I 'am' than he does. Psychiatrists are this weird.. force. They prescribe your meds, that's fairly it. For me it always has been at least. I'm coming in here to see you for 15 minutes to get refills, dude. I may seem cool as a cucumber right, but seriously, you haven't the slightest clue. And I always get this feeling that he worries that I'm going to abuse Clonazepam. Dude! And I haven't had a refill since November... But he always asks how many I'm taking as if he's worried. Yeah, I have an alcohol abuse problem at times, but I'm not going to swallow 3 clonazepams a day.. my schedule simply won't allow it.
Ha. I like him just fine, I really do, I'm just letting my thoughts flow.
And I'm not totally sober right now so bare with me.

Me and the hubby had a date night. We went to the Olive Garden and had a wonderful time together. 2 glasses of wine, 2 small margaritas, and 1 beer later with a towel on my head, I'm ready to hit the sack.

I can not wait til my next work vacation. I love you, week of September 28th.. please come soon.

take two

2008-08-13T06:17:00.000-07:00

I've had a slip-up this morning. Going to try and start fresh again.

However.. last night I was feeling anxious and out of sorts, so I went to the gym instead of wallowing in the self-destructive thoughts. Working out helped my mood a whole lot.

I don't have a lot to say.. don't want to dwell on the incident that was this morning's binge. I'm going to dust myself off and try and relax before my little one wakes up.

mood swing

2008-08-11T15:58:00.001-07:00

It changes quickly, so quickly.
Uphill struggle.
I ate a normal (?) amount for dinner, but found myself on the verge of mental combustion wanting to purge.
I'm a wee bit intoxicated right now, so I think it's intensifying the bad thoughts, negativity. I'm not to the point of being so tipsy I don't care. I'm right on the edge.
Plus, I need sleep. I haven't slept since working an all-nighter last night.
Here's to waking up refreshed tomorrow morning.

productivity instead of the alternative

2008-08-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

Things I can get accomplished when I choose not to spend two hours out of my day binging and purging:

unload and load the dishwasher
clean counter tops
paint my nails blue
go to the grocery store especially to buy Drake bananas because Oswald showed an episode about "great big banana day"
do laundry
sweep the laundry room and kitchen
scrub the toilet (oh the irony!)
take out trash

I'm glad that my childlike-behaviored eating disorder has so far gotten through a five hour stretch leaving me unscathed.

flailing

2008-08-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

This disorder is like a child who can't be left unattended. If I am left unattended with my disorder, I have an "accident".. a flare up?

The moment I'm left on my own (when Kenneth isn't home), it takes over and makes autopilot choices. I feel out of control at that point, and I wind up eating then puking my guts out. Then my eyes get like this, all watery. My throat hurts, I have messes to clean up, trash to hide from a suspecting husband.
And in the end, my day has been alloted about an hour to recover from this little disaster that happened all too willingly, yet- in a fog.

nail polish medicine and contradictions

2008-08-06T11:41:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how just painting my nails a new color makes me happy. I am now wearing "plum attraction" - a deep, piercing purple. There are so many things to love about myself besides my weight. I realized that while meticulously painting my nails. Hey- this is pretty. Hey, my hands look cute.

I'm still counting calories, have been since the 2nd. I just can't help myself right now... not that I'm getting the weight loss out of it you'd expect, but whatever.

See the contradictions? I want to get better, I want to lose weight. I'm unable to do both simultaneously.
I wonder if my body likes this weight? I wonder if I look average or decent because to be honest, I have no fucking clue.

vitamins and thoughts

2008-08-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

One thing I need to remember to do on this whole path to improving my health is to take my vitamins every day! I used to be so good with it, but I seem to totally forget for the last couple of weeks, maybe more. The B-Complex I take gives me loads of energy when I'm consistent. Then there's my women's one a day which is my multivitamin. Maybe I should get a pill reminder.. but I'd need a kind of large one. I'll get to work on that.

I don't want to pressure myself into writing every day, but I would like to write daily. Mostly because I know I have something to say, I have a hundred thoughts on this horizon every day and I think getting them out is healthy and making it a routine is going to give me a lot to reflect upon.

I've found myself restricting my calories to under 600 the last couple of days. Totally intentional. I tend to want all or nothing. Binge and purge or eat as little as I can to get through my busy days. I need balance. I need plans.

first posts are always awkward

2008-08-04T10:21:00.001-07:00

Here I am. Or.. here I go?

I'd like to first admit that I'm in the grips of disordered thinking, actively binging and purging, actively hating my body, talking negatively to myself, etc. I think the first step to changing any negative behavior is practicing over and over and over again to change your thought process. If there are reasons I should really go binge and purge, what the hell are they? Because really, I don't see that act getting me anywhere good. It's only leading to a sore throat, bulimic stupor (my newest term to describe the post-purge exhaustion), and crap potassium levels. What do I need all that for? .. Oh yeah, NOTHING.
I want out of this. For real, from the bottom of my heart, for myself and my life. For ME.
I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not dread what's going in my mouth for the next 24 hours, to look in a mirror without calling myself fat. I want out. I want free.

I have a feeling I'll be here a lot.