flailing

This disorder is like a child who can't be left unattended. If I am left unattended with my disorder, I have an "accident".. a flare up?

The moment I'm left on my own (when Kenneth isn't home), it takes over and makes autopilot choices. I feel out of control at that point, and I wind up eating then puking my guts out. Then my eyes get like this, all watery. My throat hurts, I have messes to clean up, trash to hide from a suspecting husband.
And in the end, my day has been alloted about an hour to recover from this little disaster that happened all too willingly, yet- in a fog.

first posts are always awkward

Here I am. Or.. here I go?

I'd like to first admit that I'm in the grips of disordered thinking, actively binging and purging, actively hating my body, talking negatively to myself, etc. I think the first step to changing any negative behavior is practicing over and over and over again to change your thought process. If there are reasons I should really go binge and purge, what the hell are they? Because really, I don't see that act getting me anywhere good. It's only leading to a sore throat, bulimic stupor (my newest term to describe the post-purge exhaustion), and crap potassium levels. What do I need all that for? .. Oh yeah, NOTHING.
I want out of this. For real, from the bottom of my heart, for myself and my life. For ME.
I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not dread what's going in my mouth for the next 24 hours, to look in a mirror without calling myself fat. I want out. I want free.

I have a feeling I'll be here a lot.