take two

I've had a slip-up this morning. Going to try and start fresh again.

However.. last night I was feeling anxious and out of sorts, so I went to the gym instead of wallowing in the self-destructive thoughts. Working out helped my mood a whole lot.

I don't have a lot to say.. don't want to dwell on the incident that was this morning's binge. I'm going to dust myself off and try and relax before my little one wakes up.

flailing

This disorder is like a child who can't be left unattended. If I am left unattended with my disorder, I have an "accident".. a flare up?

The moment I'm left on my own (when Kenneth isn't home), it takes over and makes autopilot choices. I feel out of control at that point, and I wind up eating then puking my guts out. Then my eyes get like this, all watery. My throat hurts, I have messes to clean up, trash to hide from a suspecting husband.
And in the end, my day has been alloted about an hour to recover from this little disaster that happened all too willingly, yet- in a fog.

first posts are always awkward

Here I am. Or.. here I go?

I'd like to first admit that I'm in the grips of disordered thinking, actively binging and purging, actively hating my body, talking negatively to myself, etc. I think the first step to changing any negative behavior is practicing over and over and over again to change your thought process. If there are reasons I should really go binge and purge, what the hell are they? Because really, I don't see that act getting me anywhere good. It's only leading to a sore throat, bulimic stupor (my newest term to describe the post-purge exhaustion), and crap potassium levels. What do I need all that for? .. Oh yeah, NOTHING.
I want out of this. For real, from the bottom of my heart, for myself and my life. For ME.
I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not dread what's going in my mouth for the next 24 hours, to look in a mirror without calling myself fat. I want out. I want free.

I have a feeling I'll be here a lot.