Trying right now. It's a daily struggle. The gym helps for sure.

Anticipation, anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, cause these are the good old days.

productivity instead of the alternative

Things I can get accomplished when I choose not to spend two hours out of my day binging and purging:

• unload and load the dishwasher
• clean counter tops
• paint my nails blue
• go to the grocery store especially to buy Drake bananas because Oswald showed an episode about "great big banana day"
• do laundry
• sweep the laundry room and kitchen
• scrub the toilet (oh the irony!)
• take out trash

I'm glad that my childlike-behaviored eating disorder has so far gotten through a five hour stretch leaving me unscathed.

first posts are always awkward

Here I am. Or.. here I go?

I'd like to first admit that I'm in the grips of disordered thinking, actively binging and purging, actively hating my body, talking negatively to myself, etc. I think the first step to changing any negative behavior is practicing over and over and over again to change your thought process. If there are reasons I should really go binge and purge, what the hell are they? Because really, I don't see that act getting me anywhere good. It's only leading to a sore throat, bulimic stupor (my newest term to describe the post-purge exhaustion), and crap potassium levels. What do I need all that for? .. Oh yeah, NOTHING.
I want out of this. For real, from the bottom of my heart, for myself and my life. For ME.
I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not dread what's going in my mouth for the next 24 hours, to look in a mirror without calling myself fat. I want out. I want free.

I have a feeling I'll be here a lot.