nail polish medicine and contradictions

It's amazing how just painting my nails a new color makes me happy. I am now wearing "plum attraction" - a deep, piercing purple. There are so many things to love about myself besides my weight. I realized that while meticulously painting my nails. Hey- this is pretty. Hey, my hands look cute.

I'm still counting calories, have been since the 2nd. I just can't help myself right now... not that I'm getting the weight loss out of it you'd expect, but whatever.

See the contradictions? I want to get better, I want to lose weight. I'm unable to do both simultaneously.
I wonder if my body likes this weight? I wonder if I look average or decent because to be honest, I have no fucking clue.

vitamins and thoughts

One thing I need to remember to do on this whole path to improving my health is to take my vitamins every day! I used to be so good with it, but I seem to totally forget for the last couple of weeks, maybe more. The B-Complex I take gives me loads of energy when I'm consistent. Then there's my women's one a day which is my multivitamin. Maybe I should get a pill reminder.. but I'd need a kind of large one. I'll get to work on that.

I don't want to pressure myself into writing every day, but I would like to write daily. Mostly because I know I have something to say, I have a hundred thoughts on this horizon every day and I think getting them out is healthy and making it a routine is going to give me a lot to reflect upon.

I've found myself restricting my calories to under 600 the last couple of days. Totally intentional. I tend to want all or nothing. Binge and purge or eat as little as I can to get through my busy days. I need balance. I need plans.

first posts are always awkward

Here I am. Or.. here I go?

I'd like to first admit that I'm in the grips of disordered thinking, actively binging and purging, actively hating my body, talking negatively to myself, etc. I think the first step to changing any negative behavior is practicing over and over and over again to change your thought process. If there are reasons I should really go binge and purge, what the hell are they? Because really, I don't see that act getting me anywhere good. It's only leading to a sore throat, bulimic stupor (my newest term to describe the post-purge exhaustion), and crap potassium levels. What do I need all that for? .. Oh yeah, NOTHING.
I want out of this. For real, from the bottom of my heart, for myself and my life. For ME.
I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not dread what's going in my mouth for the next 24 hours, to look in a mirror without calling myself fat. I want out. I want free.

I have a feeling I'll be here a lot.