This disorder is like a child who can't be left unattended. If I am left unattended with my disorder, I have an "accident".. a flare up?
The moment I'm left on my own (when Kenneth isn't home), it takes over and makes autopilot choices. I feel out of control at that point, and I wind up eating then puking my guts out. Then my eyes get like this, all watery. My throat hurts, I have messes to clean up, trash to hide from a suspecting husband.
And in the end, my day has been alloted about an hour to recover from this little disaster that happened all too willingly, yet- in a fog.
8.08.2008
flailing
Posted by Heather at 10:29 AM
Labels: binge and purge, disordered thoughts, tired
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2 comments:
Don't you worry sister, you're going to have many flare-ups. It's how we choose to look at them. It seems you have the same problem I do most of the time - spending time alone with yourself. We have to fill up our alone time with meaningful activities, or when all else fails, just get the fuck out of the home. Because if we're home alone, there's a murderer in the house - us! The mind wants to think it can survive without the body - oh, I can just get rid of this body and I'll continue on, a walking brain. Right. The mind can be ludicrous at times. You are struggling, but you're not losing the battle because a) you are paying attention and b) you are writing all this shit down regardless. And c) you are marvelous. If you could even know an inkling of how much you mean to me, how much better I feel after I talk to you, how much I want you to be better - if you could feel that compassion for the child in you and hold it close, take little Heather by the hand and feed her soup and crackers, walk her, tuck her in at night, tell her it wasn't her fault, anything...
Because you need to know these things. There is nothing wrong with you. You've survived this far the best way you know how. And you are a fighter. You are here to prevail. And you are not here to combust over a toilet seat...which is why you care enough to care.
What would I do without you?
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